my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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