I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
