Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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