Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
