Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
