Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
