mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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