history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
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Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
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Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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