I will die if light touches me.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
