I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
