Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
