she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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