So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
