Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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