just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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