Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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