I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
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Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
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I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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