I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
