I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
