how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
