I wish I only lived at night.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
