Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
