Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
