I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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