I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Sext me about skeletons
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
