After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
