I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
