me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
