I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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