i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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