I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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