he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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