Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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