Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
