I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
