she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
