My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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