God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
