So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
