Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
