is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
