I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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