I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
