a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
