I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
