She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
