Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Randomize
