Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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