Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
