just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
