I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Of course I have a pirate flag
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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