I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
