I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
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My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
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SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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