Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he was CRYING into my vagina
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
