a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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